Writes
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new year letter to myself
2024
Dec 2024
It’s towards the end of 2024, at this point in time I’ve met and even become friends with more than twenty people with some sort of mental health struggle or another. It’s also almost a good three months since then and I honestly can say that I either stayed in rehab way too long that it killed my soul and everything inside me, although the time was unfortunately what was needed. It just made my depression and reality so much clearer – that everything is just a life of pointless suffering, and that there is truly no meaning to it at all.
Living is harder than ever, every simple thing feels like the most complicated chore. Everyday, I stare blankly at a cloudy skies, looking for answers that don’t exist. In the past few weeks, the people I’ve become close with. Too have fallen into the grasp of the cold hands and pain of the depths of depression. Why do I tend to feel the most comfortable around those who also want to die?
I think, as things are going now. Dying at 27 doesn’t seem so bad at all, I get to live out the life I think I’ve always wanted because I truly have no idea what the hell else I’d be doing with my time. ’m getting so bored of being too terrified and dead inside to do anything. Yet, anything i do only brings me more sadness and disappointment, as if the void of emptiness inside of me couldn’t get any bigger.
why, oh why universe. was i brought into this world with this cursed conscience?
2023
Apr 2023
Anxiety and Depression acts like an invisible Cancer
Paralysed with electric currents, filled with fear
Doubt, circulates through your veins where blood should.
Like a hacker overriding an owner’s manual.
Violating every living cell, and adulterating each nerve.
You are forcedly made to be a mere bystander trapped inside this shell of a body that isn’t yours.
We don’t fix the broken —
we celebrate the beauty in their becoming.
it doesn’t get easier each day,
it really hasn’t.
nothing’s changed from the times you’ve had to talk me off the ledge
why did you let go so easily,
why did i give up so easily?
but i know i have to go,
and you have to, too.
so you can finally be free,
feel the wind run through your hair.
it hurts so much.
but, i’m numb now.
i’m doing by best to stay alive,
using all of what i don’t have.
to make it through the day.
no one can save me
but, if i go
i want to go down fighting,
this war is one where no one else should get in between.
don’t want to be alone,
don’t want to depend on anyone to get it through the day.
selflessly selfish,
the depth of my feelings are unnecessarily hard to cope with.
simplicity was never easy
wish that someone would be here
wish that they’d go away
it’s all the same
but, also so different.
i need to keep walking,
alone.
just as i always have.
as long as i have the strength to keep smiling,
everyone will be happy.
just want to make you happy.
keeping your smile locked away in my memories, close to my heart.
i’ll always remember
all the things, i wish i could forget.
your broken pieces will mend themselves together overtime.
being awake tomorrow
seems to be the only thing i can do.
want to do so much more.
wish i could do so much more.
for you,
and everyone.
never want to disappoint,
so i’ll clean up the mess that’s mine and walk away.
close my eyes and see you spread your wings,
and fly.
far away from the land that’s in flames below.
because,
that’s all i could ever do.
hurt by my own fears and failures,
still i beg you.
just let me do my best,
to keep you safe.
i’m sorry, i loved you
he does not own me,
just i do not own he.
the debt has been paid,
as nothing is taken
all that remains,
is what you have given.
tonight
tonight,
just as many nights before.
let yourself reach the peak of exhausted,
where slumber engulfs your soul
lay peacefully at last,
clenching your infected wounds.
not a single body on either side
reaching out to find the start of an infinite end.
tonight,
just as many nights before
reunited with your one and only,
the consistent company of darkness.
there’s nothing to be afraid of,
when there’s no one that could hurt you.
not tonight,
not anymore.
strangers
Saying goodbye to a stranger will never hurt as much, as it would if it were someone you knew. Someone you cared about, maybe even loved. A person you trusted and depended on – maybe even a little too much. So much so that the vulnerability leaves you feeling weak in the knees when he’s walking out the door, the helplessness only gets worst from the minute you go your separate ways.
Weaknesses are meant to be to strengthened, but you could never find the strength to stop him from walking away. Neither could you, gather the strength within your very own muscles, to walk in the opposite direction. To run away, escape and never return; to stay lost, because you knew deep down. You had always wanted to be found.
As you crawl out of hole you had made your home, each time you walk the streets of night. Your shadow grows lighter, until there comes a day that there’ll be none. But the distorted figure that was once yourself, is now unrecognisable by even those around you. And then, you shall see overtime, that there will be none of you left to find.
For every time that you were found,
a part of you had already been lost.
waking up the morning after
You’d expect a resurrection to come with the feeling of being alive, but it’s just really your soul facing its truth, a taste of good ol’ reality – and as we all know it, it’s never like springtime, the blossoming of daisies, neither is it the sound of birds chirping at the breaking of dawn.
It is however, as magnificent as a sunrise after the darkest of nights. Greeting you in a warm embrace, melting away the first layer of frost from the years of living inside the comfort of your homemade cryogenic chamber, within the core of your heart. You may find yourself flinching at its touch, maybe even feel the burn from a sensation you deeply crave but still remain unfamiliar to.
Change
Kind as it may be, but not always gentle. The biggest of changes come in tides, and its current will drag you and throw you into depths that you may not be ready for.
Strength
To live, is to be true to yourself. Only then, will life unravel its roots for you.
Your name need not be remembered, hanging from skyscrapers, looking down on broadway street – to know that you have made an impact. Nor, is there a need to shed blood for kin – to leave behind a legacy.
The biggest impact that you could ever leave behind, is within the hearts of others. Through the light and laughter. Lies, something much deeper – Love, is an emotional value that surpasses the worth of all the glitter and glamour in the world.
Happiness
As time passes, and memories fade. The reminiscent of your soul lives on through the love that you have shared with, and passed on to others of close or distant relations. That kind of legacy lives through natural disasters and the physical changes. But, it will be one that never fades, even after you are long gone.
waiting for the end
when i look up at the stars and wish for an end; what i mean is to completely be rid of the static grains of grey that live across a plane, overlapping the blinding sound of harmonious chaos – in a war where words are used as weapons. i feel the pressure accumulate as my heartbeats grows louder in my head as though it were trying to escape, like a progressive pounding of a bass. where an ice-cold draft within a vacuum of silence, masks the bloodshed from the pain with a plastic smile and an unwavering doubt. strangled by the veins wrapped around your neck, choking on clouds of ash from the volcano of your soul; turned stone, melted then set ablaze.
“there’s nothing quite wrong but it don’t feel right”
How does one even begin to explain the constant feeling, of living in a world where you are dead?
I know I should be happier, but I’m really not.
There’s an ache in my chest, like a sharp pain, penetrating through the layers of muscle and skin.
I feel it everywhere, the feeling of going nowhere.
loneliness is a state of mind.
it’s the feeling of never belonging anywhere.
in a room full of friendly and familiar faces.
yet, everyone seems like a stranger.
these hugs and kisses
leave me feeling empty.
xoxo
the morning after
You’d expect a resurrection to make you feel alive, but it’s really just your soul facing its truth, the taste of good ol’ reality – things don’t always get better. It isn’t always springtime and the blossoming of flowers, neither is it the sound of birds chirping at the breaking of dawn.
It is however, a magnificient sunrise after the darkest of nights. Greeting you in a warm embrace, melting away the layers of frost guarding you, keeping you from being truly open.
From the years of living inside the comfort of your dark, smoke-filled, pill-covered, bottle-ridden abode. Within the core of your hearts. z
You may find yourself flinching at change and its unnatural touch, and maybe even feel a burning sensation of the slightest hope.
Change
Kind as it can be, it is not always so gentle. The biggest of changes come in tides, and its current can throw you and drag you to depths that you may not be ready for.
Strength
To live, is to be true to yourself. Only then, will life unravel its roots for you.
Your name need not be in neon lights, hanging off skyscrapers, looking down over broadway street.
Just know that you as an individual has made many micro changes within.
The most lasting impact that one could ever leave behind, is within the hearts of others. Through the light and laughter.
Lies, something much deeper – Love, is an emotional value that surpasses the worth of all the glitter and glamour in the world.
Happiness
As time passes, and memories fade. The nostalgia for life lives on through the love that you have shared with, and passed on to others Close or distant relations, doesn’t matter because the kind of legacy lives will be the one that never fades, even after you are long gone.
the progressive rotting, manifested in one’s core. its stench surrounds you like a mist of toxic fumes. as an ombre of death sweeps upon us. the vibrance of life fades into nothing but ashes in shades of grey.
What remains, is only there for a moment before the specks of dust are carried away by the wind. and the memories, only grows more distant.
at some point, the truth will dawn upon you. that the problem is, and has always been you. the cause of such decay of ones’ soul, the complete and utter world of trouble that trails you. a cyclone of unconfessed sins, that dug the very grave in which you shall soon rest in.
i hope that you remain awake for the entire performance; that with every breath of dirt you take hoping that it would be your last, fills your lungs with the very earth you came from, eventually choking you but not enough to suffocate you.
watch as the constellation of stars, melt into a murky pool of unshed tears. all that you’ve ever known will fade away, eventually unraveling itself to be a web of deceitful lies. it is the most tragic of ironies to be trapped in the purgatory, created with your very own hands.
when is it that you’ll remember? that the real enemy has always been the reflection in the mirror.
Sweet Dreams
Tonight, the moon and all of its stars.
Shine gracefully, in a carefree abundance.
The comfort you seek,
shall not be found.
When existence itself
– is meaningless. Lost, in an ocean of bountiful doubt.
You learn that, you will always choke right before, you drown.
This is the world
in which we live in.
Nothing ever seems wrong but,
nothing is ever truly right.
When your thirst is quenched by;
the everlasting flow of ample uncertainty.
Your subconscious will not save you tonight, you remain inevitably helpless.
Isolated in your silky cocoon, as sheer as moonlight. Threaded with the glow, of an unseen ache.
Tender from within, though rough it may seem. As the surface wears faint shadows, from ribbed edges.
The sound of life halts, in an abrupt ending. In a void so barren,
the waves of light and sound cease to shine or make a sound.
Blackened silence rings in your ears.
Like the screams, of a distant echo
searching for its voice.
This is where
the muffled vibrations,
of a once sound mind.
Sing in a choir, of Perfect Chaos.
deterioration
Sweet Dreams
when the high wears off
all that remains is –
an empty, sinking feeling.
an everlasting void, holding space within the cavity of your chest.
beyond loneliness;
there is a deeper, silent pain.
it hurts so much,
yet you feel nothing.
but a certain kind of numbness pulsating through your veins.
like a tremor in your bones,
overcome by fear of uncertainty.
though your heart still beats,
nothing lives within.
from here on out,
remember to keep your eyes shut.
for when the night takes over.
no stars will shine.
save for;
the unwavering darkness in the hollow sky,
a gentle breeze of the unknown.
and the unseen weight of the world
that sleeps soundly in your soul.
the spectrum of lethargy
i’m so tired.
why am i still here?
why do i still wake up to see my reflection in the mirror?
I am most disgusted by the sight of the thing i hate the most.
I absolutely hate myself, i hate how i looks, i hate that i still live.
I wish i could rip myself apart, tear the flesh off my face.
it shouldn’t be alive, it doesn’t deserve to be.